The One

I have a boyfriend- although have been recently corrected by all sorts of institution in the UK to use the word "partner" for him. Either ways, he is my boyfriend, my partner and my best friend. And since I moved over to him, he is my everything and everyone. I don't think it's easy for him. I don't know if you have ever been someone's One. You get everything: all the frustration, all the joy all the sadness and all the good moments of someone. It can be quite a burden. He rings me and can get anything from "I love you" to "Could you please bring home some milk?" to "I don't know how to open the petrol tank so I'm worried I will run out of petrol tomorrow on my way to work so now I'm freaking out!"
So we need to clean the pod in the garden, pack our stuff for the new house, clean this house, fix everything in it, we need to this, we need to do that - it's so easy to get lost in all this and lose the romance.

There is a Hungarian poem, of which I would just quote:

Bántani én nem akarlak,
szavaimmal betakarlak,
el-elnézlek, amíg alszol.
Én sohasem rád haragszom,
de kit bántsak, ha nem téged,
az én vétkem, a te vétked,
mert akarva, akaratlan,
halálom hordod magadban,
(...)
és történhet már akármi
történhető, e világi,
oldhatatlan köt hozzád
a magasztos bizonyosság,
világrészek, galaktikák
távolából is mindig rád
emlékeztet ez a vétked.
Kit szeressek, ha nem téged. (Kányádi Sándor)

Which I would translate word-by-word like this:
"I wouldn't like to hurt you, I pamper you with my words, I look at you as you sleep, I'm never upset at you. But who should I hurt if not you, your sin is my sin, because wanted or not, you carry my death in you,(...) And may it happen anything possible, I am bond to you with an untieable and graceful certainty(...)Who should I love if not you."

I have been thinking about this a lot- this guy is the same person who makes my heart jump out and I feel like like I'm in the clouds. So I should make him know this.

If you are reading this and there is a One in your life as well, don't forget to say Thank you and never take them for granted...

Candles?

On my way home today as I was driving I kept reminding myself to buy some candles for tonight.

I was actually looking forward to this, because it has been a while since I have remembered those people who are now gone from my everyday life.

Today is All Saints day and we do celebrate it, in our own way. We don't necessarily remember those who fell in the wars or battles they fought for the nation (although they should have their due place in this day) but mostly we remember simple people. People who were not famous, not heroes, just heroes of our simple lives, our beloved ones.

Driving home, I was thinking how should I do this best, how many candles, tall or short, white or red - because that's the easy part, what you can buy and then for a second I just saw my grandmother in her humble simplicity, her head down as always and I just started crying. It didn't matter what will the candles be like, I just saw her with my emotional eyes and that's what mattered...of all.

Friends

After my first two weeks in my new position, in my final role, I had my friends from home coming over.

I must say I was very much looking forward for them to come over and have imagined all sorts of things that we would do and eat and go to. For most of them, we didn't even have time. But we managed to squeeze in as much as possible.

Friday afternoon driving back from Stonehenge, my friend just said that she couldn't imagine herself being capable of driving with 90 miles per hour on the dual carriageway and that she must admit , she admires me for moving over here and getting use to life in the UK.

And after two weeks of constant questioning myself, of indefinite doubt whether I am doing things alright or am I completely hopeless, for the first time, I have felt proud. Proud for coming where I come from, from a small town, moving here, driving to work everyday so far (on the wrong side) and basically managing myself in this environment. I haven't seen myself like this. So far I just saw myself as someone who is checking all the time, whether she is understanding everything, doing everything as the others etc.

To top this up, my other friend call me, just to check up on me and see how I was.

It was a day when I understood the gravity of the word: friend.

first days...

First days in new jobs are almost all the same. I don't think that there comes a time when you are ready to have a first day. However if the rain fall, you start of your day with getting lost and trying to wipe your screen to turn off the full beam, you get discouraged. No matter how great you are. Once you're there, things just pile up.

For a while now I have been praying for my family, even if it would cost me less happiness (cause I thought I was doing way too well), now I'm thinking: Can we not reach to a compromise?

I think I would just need someone around me when I'm thinking these thoughts and writing them down. I could really use a hug...

Fights

I think it has been a while since I wrote here. In the mean time, I have been on holiday...which was not as great as last year...as we both agreed with Simon and we have also done house hunting in our free time.
So we decided to buy a house and started to look at them for about a month now. We have set a couple of things that we want and just started searching for a house that has got it all. We've seen some great houses and poor areas and not so good looking houses in great areas. I think we have changed our priorities dozens of time, trying to get the most out of this.
We even had our first real fight about this. Which reminds me of a friend of mine who said that until they bought the house, they had a lot of fights with her husband. Not anymore. And then another friend of mine said that after they had their first child, they had some harsh words for the first time in their lives.
I think big decisions always go with pressure. And it's always good to have a couple of healthy fights to see at the end how much and why you love each other and I guarantee you if you love each other at the end it always works out for the best. This is what we are experiencing now. I actually think of it as something good and useful. It was about time...

On the top

I suppose people write and talk less about their joy than of their sorrow. Your sorrow is always something almost noble, when you say you're happy, people look at you and think "Oh, that will go away" and therefore it's nothing so "valuable" to talk about. Probably this explains why I haven't written here for so long: I've been happy. For the first time in a very long time I feel that things are working out, almost everything and what isn't can be fixed. Because everything else is alright so you just put the focus to the weak area. And you can do it.
Finally in a long time, I feel happy to be alright and to be able to help on others who are important for me. That gives me so much strenght and energy!
I will be on holiday next week so I can just relax over all these weeks filled with anxiety, I'm looking forward to it!
I guess if there is one thought I would want to leave you with today is that what you feel when you're on top makes so much suffering worth in the past. Because when you're there you're rewarded so many times more. I wish you all get there soon and many times.

Food like at home

It has been now almost three years when I have moved away from home. First it was Budapest and then it was this place. In three years' time I did go home, but as frequently as you would go on a holiday.
All these years I have barely made specific "home food". One of the reasons is that you have to work quite a lot for a rather small result compared to something Italian which is delicious and very quick to put together. The other reason is that I just don't know a lot of recipes, which is shameful, I know, but I've always been a spoiled girl, so I pretty much skipped the kitchen duty.
Today, however I bought Polenta. And although it was surprisingly expensive, I just thought, I really want some. We make it with a special type of cheese back at home, but since I couldn't find any, I just chose goat cheese instead... I am still in the middle of the cooking, but I really like this...I feel useful for some reason. I just like it.

House or home?

I must say I had a very packed weekend. It had shopping in it, cleaning, cooking, but also some fun parts like looking at houses to buy or a motorcylce or catching up with Simon's friends.
It's quite interesting how your perspectives change from what a nice place to this may be the place where I will have my kids grown up. A part of me is happy, a part of me cries. But I have faith that I can pass over my values to my children if I'm persistent enough.
So having said that we had a look at three houses with S. And at this stage we just wanted to do some market research. First of all, I don't even have my permanent contract signed yet and second of allI just wanted to have a few salaries withour any limitations to take care of stuff.
And we saw to houses. Take it or leave it. Rather leave them both for the prices they had. But the third one absolutely mesmerized me. And I believe it wasn't just me. We both fell in love with it. So now when we talk, we keep brining it up, either him or me. And my heart aches for that house. But on the same hand I also feel all the pressure which comes with settling dow, having a mortgage, having children and commuting to work everyday from that very house.
So I guess this house is half-tamed mein a way that I could imagine myself in it. That's a first step. But then again first steps is all I have lately...

Small but powerful

So sometimes I look around to see how other people are doing in this whole "fitting into the UK" and you'd be surprised how some people who don't even speak the language so well, have the guts to wonder around, some will always ask questions, even if they know the answer. And I must say being a szekely, I should be rather stubborn and conservative. There are moments when I feel like I'm doing great - such as when I help out people at the airport.
So thinking about it...no one should feel lost or bad, you are better than some, worse than others, but as my favourite speech would say (and I paraphrase): at the end the race is always with yourself. I'm getting better. Always. Are you?

Trying to fit into the puzzle

Having more and more friends, I have started to socialize more often. So I have now Hungarian friend, I have Transylvanian friends, I have my own friends back in Hungary, Simon's friends here and my own friends back at home.
And so recently I have been going out with most of them. Back at home, I felt really great, they are my friends, I have known them forever and yet I felt so much in focus talking about my experiences abroad. My Hungarian friends cannot really see all my background and so understand me either. With the English people I have fun, a lot of fun. But we don't really have deep roots going back. And the truth be told, I think I am a bit reserved as well in making new friends or even opening up to the old one. I'm having a bit of a rough time settling in, I guess.
I need some time...

Anchor

There are many things rather difficult to live with, when you move abroad. After all, you change so many things, places, people. But the most difficult part is when you have to do this in a way that you cannot share all these moments with your partner. And I mean right there and then or at least at the end of the day next to a dinner or glass of wine.
So yes, we have a weekend relationship. We talk every day at least once, but most of the times, more than once on phone. But we only see each other on the weekends. Have you ever tried to squeeze in everything into a couple of days? It's very difficult. It's a pressure-game. Sooner or later it becomes hard. For both.
You look back on the past two or three days and think to yourself: This is what life should be like. Every day. Cause it's so good, so natural. But because it cannot happen, you kiss him goodbye for the week or fortnight and keep looking forward to the next time you see him and maybe a more distant future when this happens every morning when he leaves for work and comes back in the evening.

Cause he is like an anchor. You know you are alright, you are you when you're around him. Works like magic. Every time.

Home

Nothing feels, tastes or smell as good as home. No matter how vigorously I try to convince myself, that I feel great here...and I actually do. But then I go home and I feel charged again.
It's something deep that I may not be able to explain, but sometimes I feel as if my blood would be flowing on those streets, cause I am part of it and the town is part of me.
I have attended a wedding as well. I always liked weddings. I have only been to a few of them, but I always felt the same thing: I want one, too! I just feel very special each time as if it would be something so magical, so irreplaceable by anything else. But also it is always so heart warming to see the strong bonds in between people turning into something more visible or serious.
So, yes, I want one too.

London

So finally I had a day on my own when I could wonder around in London. And although I might have thought that I would get lost, everything was perfectly understandable, with loads of signs so I got around just well.

I picked a great day as it was very sunny, got on the train literally in the last moment and headed off to London. I think it's a place of endless discoveries. Maybe it was just my first time, but I had such a great time and I barely saw anything!

I did notice that you need a lot of money to have fun in the UK, but there were also a couple of things I could try for free and so I did. And you know how sometimes you feel you have so much energy that you could walk for miles in your very uncomfortable shoes without feeling a thing until you sit down and stop? This is the kind of day I had. I felt young and careless like a student (this time with money though...) and happy like a little girl.

Everyone should be allowed to have a day off in London.

Breaking the rules

Ususally breaking the rules means something positive, because it's about change and even though we all know that we need rules, we love breaking them, too. It gives you a sense of feeling.
Today I have broken my diet rules a bit. But as I'm saying this, I'm thinking, I have broken them almost every day now, which then suggests that this is not as exceptional as it should be. It's all the cooking shows' fault. I wish I wouldn't be so addicted to exciting food...
On the other hand I usually make friends quite quickly and I was a bit disappointed I guess, for that not happening here as well. Today, however, it has been a break through. I have talked to people and more importantly people started talking to me. Usually I just sit there in quiet. I guess it's a defense strategy. You get to know your ground before taking actions. I'd rather be precautious than making mistakes. And you still do mistakes. Like the other when I offered to make tea for the first time and left the tea bags in the mugs, thinking that they probably like it strong...
Today, being Friday, I guess people were more relaxed...or maybe it was me and I opened an invisible door to me.
Be it either way, I feel like I'm gaining back my confidence in myself.
Tomorrow, I'll discover London!

Balanced acquisitions

So yesterday I went shopping and finally got myself a scale. Which is really great, cause it it a digital one and shows less than the regular analog scale in the gym. I, of course, was very happy to find this out. So much so that I instantly felt motivated to go on with my exercises and even my diet.
To balance the whole thing of I have bought my first Jamie Oliver cookbook. To which my boyfriend said, he was really proud...So was I. And for once, whatever is needed for the recipes can actually be found in the stores. This is really great!
I have decided to try out a recipe soon just to see how would I do? Cause apparently Jamie Oliver is all about simple dishes. I like simple. Let's see how will I do.
I will keep you posted

Time management

Life is funny in a way. Sometimes it keeps you waiting and hanging in there for so long and the suddenly speeds up and you can't even catch your breath.
Everything seemed so slow until I got here. I felt like fighting forever for this opportunity and nothing would happen. Today I feel like I barely have time for anything. I am constantly running around and I'm doing this in a world when I'm not married, I barely have to do any cleaning or cooking and have no children. I wonder what will I do as a mother who is also working. Is there a secret recipe for time management for mothers who are wives and are working as well?
Or am I just worrying for something that is bond to happen in years? I don't know. I just feel frustrated for not being able to cope with this small amount of tasks I have.
But the good news is that I started to do exercise and tomorrow I will go to the gym again. I'm curious how much damage have I done to myself this weekend kilos-wise.
Have a good week everyone! Mondays can be fun!

Diet?

Yes, I am keeping a diet. Why? Because I love the food here. I would get so fat if I weren't on a diet now! But the truth be told, I did start off with a bit of overweight. Maybe more than a bit. Today however we signed up into the gym. It's a great gym. You can run for 30 minutes watching the TV, you barely notice that you're running.
Today for the first time, I felt though that I am in a foreign place and when I don't focus on easing this for myself I can find myself in the middle of reality. Reality which means friends away, family away, driving on the "wrong side" and a boyfriend abroad. So what I will do is try to focus on the fun side, cause I know that with time, I can get used to this. In fact I could do it quite easily...
But after all...I wish to leave in a world where it is possible disregard all borders and barriers. I wonder if I can do this. But maybe. It all depends on me. And I did go to the gym today. If I could do that and keep a diet, I should be able to do loads of stuff.

Friends

I'm a little late with this as usual, but it's such a great memory that I won't let it slip.

On Saturday we went down to the seaside. That is we, S, myself, his best friend and his girlfriend. And I remembered when I said not such a long time ago to S that in Transylvania the word friend is one of the most powerful words. When you have a true friend, you have a treasure. And friends respect each other, help each other out. I kind of insinuated also that it different here and I am happy that I didn't say it, but I remember thinking that he doesn't really know what real friendship is all about.

Saturday I realized I was wrong all this time. In fact, I believe I have realized it before that, but I consciously focused on it this weekend.

His best friend and him, they have a relationship that all friends would envy. The sort of care for each other, having the other's interests always at sight, having fun together is almost like an ideal case...it makes me be envious. Teaches me to be more humble next time, when I think I know something better

Feels so natural

On my third working day a guy came to my desk and asked if I wanted to have lunch with him. As I just had, I said I would the next day. And we had lunch the next day and talked about habits, my boyfriend, his girlfriend and we were buddies catching up. And then the next day I met the Transylvanian girl and had lunch with her. This being said, whenever I go down to the cafeteria, I meet familiar faces. It feels so natural that I am here and I know people, that it is almost as if it was a natural day of my life. As if I had arrived home.
Today I finally felt that myself useful, I was finally working, doing quite a lot. It felt good. I got so excited that I was drawing emails around and I actually manage to lose three emails in my mailbox somewhere, which I think is funny...or maybe not. Fortunately I remembered who had sent them so I asked them to resend them. I sort of got upset at myself for not being well balanced, but then I also felt enthusiasm in me for which I congratulated myself.
So my only concern now is the flu I'm coming down with in the middle of the summer. I mean...this is just wrong. It's really warm, even here, in the UK. And then what happens? I get the flu... Some things never change. Some things, though...

Pleasant surprises

There are times...long times when you fight for something and yet nothing happens and then you change your environment, ready to go on in your fight and someone sitting across you just says, but I give yo that. Not after long hours, weeks and months of struggling to demonstrate that you deserve a chance, but right away.
It changes so much.
So this was today experience for me, but I have also had lunch with another Transylvanian girl, which was great and then went to a horse race. Again. It feels as if I were to become an addict or something
I still know when to stop though...at least my wallet knows

Opening up

So I don't know what you've heard so far of Britain or what have you seen of it, but when I came here I was full of prejudice. Which can be normal, if you go to an unknown place (or let's just say, less known) and it also can be exaggerated.
Is it fair to draw conclusions after a week? Maybe. All I know is that, I feel good here. People treat you like an adult. That's a change.
Me, on the other hand, I'm still sitting rather quietly on my chair trying to fight my complexes and trying to open up, realizing more and more each day how my culture is different. I remember when I have learnt about expats at the university and how they try to prepare them for what is coming when they go abroad, there was a rather strange exrcise during which they became more conscious of they own culture. Cause you are rarely conscious of the values you carry with yourself. I am learning more and more about myself every day. Yet I am still a little bit away from openening up. I truly believe that I have now the key to success in my hands and I should start using it.

Practicing your own native language?

Today I've vaught myself talking Hungarian in my mind - just so that I wouldn't forget. Which is quite funny I would think. Especially if someone would have been watching me, seeing that I just stare when in fact there's a whole conversation going on in my head.
I don't think I'll forget to speak Hunarian, but if I cannot hear it from anyone else, at least I should make an effort and entertain myself.
I find it more and more fascinating the variety of food. Also the way people talk to you - with so much respect and kindness, it motivates you to help and be nice every day. I like this place

Horse race

Today I have betted on horses for the first time in my life. And not just anywhere, but in Ascot, which is apparently very posh. All I could see was a big sea wave of hats and fascinators and all sotrs of posh people wearing them.
It was a strange experience but very good one. I managed to get there for free, I've got a ticket for free - passed over from someone and won just as much to cover the investments. Days like this give me so much energy - apart from the fact that they make me sleepy as well, so I will just slip under my duvee and have a good night sleep.

Ice Melting

I am a little bit behind with my encounter as this has been my second day at work and I haven't even described my first one.
First days are always important and even though you will not remember them looking back much later but for a while they determine a lot of things and you will remember your first day at least for a week or two almost every day.
Yesterday was mine and I felt just as nervous as I did starting school or university or when moving to Budapest. I am not so good with first days, I usually feel small and insignificant, in the mean time I also feel that everyone thinks something of me or feels somehow about me or have just interpreted my acts...somehow.
Most of the times, things are not as bad as you imagine and the others have similar feelings. One day you will all laugh about it drinking a cool beer and discussing the previous weekend. Or having a girls' night thinking about everything you felt and thought about each other on the first day.
Anyway, long story short, first days are days when you forget your bike chain and then run around trying to find a place for it. You sit at your new desk and look at every single person who passes by. You get introduced to loads of people whose names you will definitely have to learn all over again with time. First days pass very slowly and you are likely to count the minutes till you can go home...that is, if you find your way home.
Bust first days are beginnings, they always lead somewhere.
Luckily I got quite comfortable today, seeing that people are friendly to me, they will not laugh at my accent or if I don't find a word. I managed to make new friends today, just by meeting the neighbour and I have also caught up with some old friends.
Looking back, I see the unnecessary fear that all beginnings carry but I guess no matter how old you are and how many times you have experienced this, it is something you cannot learn. You have to go over and over it everytime...

All begins...

Who can say when does a story really start? From what I feel, all my stories have some sort of prelude in a previous story and all characters come from a different story, sometimes even a different wolrd.
This one though, starts with me landing at Gatwick Airport with a huge luggage - for which I must say, I have paid a luggage excess so high, that I could have probably just bought myself some new stuff, but I hold on to my things (sometimes too much).
Whilst my boyfriend was back from his work - currently in Maastricht - I was in the car of his mom with her, of course driving all the way to my new home, in sunny Leighton Buzzard. Sometimes I feel like our relationship is like some sort of action in a spy movie, the kind, that has actors in it all the time saying something like: "Come and meet me in the UK this afternoon" and the following weekend "Let's meet in Lisbon". Not if we haven't had our challenges already, him being British and me Hungarian...but this has been "spiced" with the distances that constantly stand between us as well.
Anyways, at the beginning of this year we have decided to move in together...somewhere, because we wanted to spend more time with each other. There were those moments when everything seemed so natural and nice. I wanted to have that everyday, the feeling that he is around.
UK seemed like the most reasonable decision, although if it had been up to me, I would just probably went for Transylvania - cause it tastes mostly like home...mmm...
But there I was with big luggages in front of Simon's house and suddenly felt that the whole world is a stranger. I guess this is how you feel like when you start something.
We spent an evening looking at each other every now and again, trying to get used to the fact that we will share our days from now on...our days and everything else.
There's nothing about this in the Happily-ever-after-stories, but these situations are the ones which remind you that you are just ordinary human beings. Ordinary and on the same hand...unique. And just there, in moments of which you never thought of...you get by and you do it well. Is it innate? Is it instinct? Is it the labour of hard work? I think it's just the naked feeling of love that inspires you, like an invisible hand that take yours as you are trying to spell your first letters.