first days...

First days in new jobs are almost all the same. I don't think that there comes a time when you are ready to have a first day. However if the rain fall, you start of your day with getting lost and trying to wipe your screen to turn off the full beam, you get discouraged. No matter how great you are. Once you're there, things just pile up.

For a while now I have been praying for my family, even if it would cost me less happiness (cause I thought I was doing way too well), now I'm thinking: Can we not reach to a compromise?

I think I would just need someone around me when I'm thinking these thoughts and writing them down. I could really use a hug...

Fights

I think it has been a while since I wrote here. In the mean time, I have been on holiday...which was not as great as last year...as we both agreed with Simon and we have also done house hunting in our free time.
So we decided to buy a house and started to look at them for about a month now. We have set a couple of things that we want and just started searching for a house that has got it all. We've seen some great houses and poor areas and not so good looking houses in great areas. I think we have changed our priorities dozens of time, trying to get the most out of this.
We even had our first real fight about this. Which reminds me of a friend of mine who said that until they bought the house, they had a lot of fights with her husband. Not anymore. And then another friend of mine said that after they had their first child, they had some harsh words for the first time in their lives.
I think big decisions always go with pressure. And it's always good to have a couple of healthy fights to see at the end how much and why you love each other and I guarantee you if you love each other at the end it always works out for the best. This is what we are experiencing now. I actually think of it as something good and useful. It was about time...

On the top

I suppose people write and talk less about their joy than of their sorrow. Your sorrow is always something almost noble, when you say you're happy, people look at you and think "Oh, that will go away" and therefore it's nothing so "valuable" to talk about. Probably this explains why I haven't written here for so long: I've been happy. For the first time in a very long time I feel that things are working out, almost everything and what isn't can be fixed. Because everything else is alright so you just put the focus to the weak area. And you can do it.
Finally in a long time, I feel happy to be alright and to be able to help on others who are important for me. That gives me so much strenght and energy!
I will be on holiday next week so I can just relax over all these weeks filled with anxiety, I'm looking forward to it!
I guess if there is one thought I would want to leave you with today is that what you feel when you're on top makes so much suffering worth in the past. Because when you're there you're rewarded so many times more. I wish you all get there soon and many times.

Food like at home

It has been now almost three years when I have moved away from home. First it was Budapest and then it was this place. In three years' time I did go home, but as frequently as you would go on a holiday.
All these years I have barely made specific "home food". One of the reasons is that you have to work quite a lot for a rather small result compared to something Italian which is delicious and very quick to put together. The other reason is that I just don't know a lot of recipes, which is shameful, I know, but I've always been a spoiled girl, so I pretty much skipped the kitchen duty.
Today, however I bought Polenta. And although it was surprisingly expensive, I just thought, I really want some. We make it with a special type of cheese back at home, but since I couldn't find any, I just chose goat cheese instead... I am still in the middle of the cooking, but I really like this...I feel useful for some reason. I just like it.

House or home?

I must say I had a very packed weekend. It had shopping in it, cleaning, cooking, but also some fun parts like looking at houses to buy or a motorcylce or catching up with Simon's friends.
It's quite interesting how your perspectives change from what a nice place to this may be the place where I will have my kids grown up. A part of me is happy, a part of me cries. But I have faith that I can pass over my values to my children if I'm persistent enough.
So having said that we had a look at three houses with S. And at this stage we just wanted to do some market research. First of all, I don't even have my permanent contract signed yet and second of allI just wanted to have a few salaries withour any limitations to take care of stuff.
And we saw to houses. Take it or leave it. Rather leave them both for the prices they had. But the third one absolutely mesmerized me. And I believe it wasn't just me. We both fell in love with it. So now when we talk, we keep brining it up, either him or me. And my heart aches for that house. But on the same hand I also feel all the pressure which comes with settling dow, having a mortgage, having children and commuting to work everyday from that very house.
So I guess this house is half-tamed mein a way that I could imagine myself in it. That's a first step. But then again first steps is all I have lately...

Small but powerful

So sometimes I look around to see how other people are doing in this whole "fitting into the UK" and you'd be surprised how some people who don't even speak the language so well, have the guts to wonder around, some will always ask questions, even if they know the answer. And I must say being a szekely, I should be rather stubborn and conservative. There are moments when I feel like I'm doing great - such as when I help out people at the airport.
So thinking about it...no one should feel lost or bad, you are better than some, worse than others, but as my favourite speech would say (and I paraphrase): at the end the race is always with yourself. I'm getting better. Always. Are you?

Trying to fit into the puzzle

Having more and more friends, I have started to socialize more often. So I have now Hungarian friend, I have Transylvanian friends, I have my own friends back in Hungary, Simon's friends here and my own friends back at home.
And so recently I have been going out with most of them. Back at home, I felt really great, they are my friends, I have known them forever and yet I felt so much in focus talking about my experiences abroad. My Hungarian friends cannot really see all my background and so understand me either. With the English people I have fun, a lot of fun. But we don't really have deep roots going back. And the truth be told, I think I am a bit reserved as well in making new friends or even opening up to the old one. I'm having a bit of a rough time settling in, I guess.
I need some time...